James 3

During worship this evening, I prayed that even though it was a marriage series (and I am currently doing marriage long distance) that the Lord would speak to me clearly about this season that I am in.

Man...sometimes, you have to be careful what you pray for!

Pastor Jeff and Brandy spoke tonight on marriage...the key piece they believe is needed for a successful marriage (UNITY) and what can cause disunity and a division of house.

Rewind to the last week, and a little lot of truth time. For the last 7-10 days, my tweedles have been causing me to want to rip out my hair, hide in a corner, and eat chocolate all night.  There has been fighting (literal fighting...pillows, toys, feet...anything), yelling, tattling, disobedience, sass...the list could go on, but some of you might totally tune me out.  Others of you may be nodding your head, because I could very well be describing your house.

I know, I know.  You're thinking, Stefanie, I thought THIS was your reality:

Awwwww......

But what you are describing to me, sounds a lot like this:

Yep...clearly not my kids...but they could be...

And, going with the honesty, because we all know it's super easy to be honest when you're behind a computer, I have been super selfish these last couple of weeks.  I am tired...so I nap; but complain that the house is a mess.  I am hungry, but I refuse to grocery shop...because I'm lazy.  I miss my husband...so I eat chocolate and ice cream for dinner to drown my sadness.  I am frustrated by the behavior of my children...so I yell and lecture.

I, I, I, I......Selfish.  And the Holy Spirit convicted me of that big time tonight.

Brandy, while answering one of the questions posed to her, mentioned the verse James 3:16.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, 

there you find disorder and every evil practice.  (NIV)

There it is.  Because I am being selfish, and filling my days with garbage, my home is in disorder.  My children don't want to behave, because I don't want to behave.  Why should they listen to me, when I won't listen to what my Father is trying to tell me?  

Sometimes, when you ask for truth, and you have been ignoring it for so long, it hits you like a freight train.

And sometimes, that is just what you need to realize you need a change.

Terrible Blogger

Who could I be speaking of? Oh yea...me.   Ya'll, I am awful at this.  Life catches me, and I have no time to sit and pour out my heart to you, all five of you.  But I'm going to get better.  Watch ;)

As many of you know, Jordan has been in Oklahoma for 5 weeks now, training for the FAA.  And just like this blog, I had high hopes of tracking the days as he was away and creating a book of sorts for him to read when he returned.  How far did I get?  Day 1.  But here are some excerpts from that day:

January 7th:

Today started like any other winter day, with three kids, during flu season.  Jordan and I were woken up at 3:30 am to the sound of screaming.   J rushed in to check on Nolan, and tried to calm him down so he could understand what was wrong.  It took about that long for me to come out of my deep sleep, realize (without being in the room) what was wrong, run to the bathroom, dump out the trash…and hear the sound of vomit hit the bedroom floor.  I run in, all three kids are staring at me; two of them are crying.  Thus starts the longest day of my new season.

When our alarm does go off (8:15am), we both gingerly get out of bed and get ready for the day.  I let Jordan know I will need to run to the store, because of clearly do not have supplies to take care of three sick children.

After running my errands, I return home to a husband who is ready to hit the road, two children who are writhing in pain, and one who is asleep.  Watching J say goodbye to the kids was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Both refused to let go of his neck; both asked him not to leave; both left tears on his shirt.  J gets into the car, and I watch him pull away.  Tears are streaming down my face as I wave and blow kisses; turns out he was doing the same.

Then the doubt settled in.  

How am I going to be a single mom?  People do it all the time, but can I be one of them?  How are we going to pay all of our bills?  Emotionally, am I strong enough to be without Jordan for 4 months?  What if I don’t spend enough time with my kids?  Can I be a good mom while still working?  Will I be able to keep working? 

The list went on and on right up until I watched our little Honda Accord disappear around the corner.  Then I didn’t have a choice.  I had to confront all of those questions and how I walked back into the house was going to set the tone for my household for the rest of the day; that day would turn into a week; a week into a month. 

I picked my head up, wiped my tears away, asked for strength for the kids and myself and opened the door.

That was all 5 weeks ago.  We are all still alive, bonus!  The house is a disaster, there is a mouse somewhere in the kitchen, and I desperately need to do laundry.  But my children are happy and loved. They still miss their daddy, and tell me all the time.  But we are surviving, growing and learning in this season...and I pray that whatever season you are in, you do the same.