Trust is a Tricky Thing

Once in a blue moon, I look around the house and straight up FREAK OUT.

Who bought all this stuff??

Where did it come from??

Why do we have so much???

Seriously...this table was empty 6 hours ago.

And the thought of getting rid of any of it, gives me a panic attack.

After spending a lot of time over the last several weeks thinking about this, I realized it came down to one thing: Trust.

Jordan and I struggled a lot, financially, our first six years of marriage (if you attend our church, you have probably heard our testimony once or twice).  I remember when we first moved into an apartment together - it was new, exciting, and scary.  We had nothing.  No pots or pans, no microwave (couldn't even make easy mac!...does anyone still eat this??), and nothing to sit on.

So we went and bought what we could, and people donated what hand-me-downs they could.

It's not that we didn't want to provide for our kids.  What parent doesn't want that?  We were working three part time jobs and the money in the "out" column was higher than our "in" column.  However, we were obedient with what we had: we tithed, we saved, and took care of the necessities (food, home, transportation), and our friends donated their belongings to help us where we needed.

Luke 16:10a "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much..."

We took Luke 16:10 to heart.  This became our life verse for those six years, as we tread hard to keep our heads above water.  There were times even with the scrimping, the numbers didn't line up...but God.  He continued to amaze us and keep us afloat when we got tired. 

Coming up on our 8th year of marriage, we have taken a turn.  Our student loans will be paid off this year, as well as our small mortgage, and a vacation will be paid for in cash.

We were trusted with little...why is it so hard to let go of what has generously been given to us and pass it on to someone else who needs it?

Who bought all this stuff??

Where did it come from??

Why do we have so much???

And then I figured it out: it's like a security blanket.  All of this stuff reminds me of how far we have come and all the people that helped us.  And even though I know this stuff is just stuff, I foolishly think that getting rid of the stuff will set us back to where we were when we began.

Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are they not much more valuable than they?

Now it's time for a new life verse.  As we enter into our new season, and begin our entire home purge.  And just like our first apartment - it will be new, exciting and scary.  But also like our first apartment, we will get through it together, on faith and trust.

4 Babies Are No Joke People!

So, turns out, when you have 2 babies under 2, they require a lot of attention.  Who knew ;)

But...I did not forget about Part 2 of the birth story!  If you need a refresher, here is Part 1.

(And literally, as I begin to write this, Nug woke up.  Go figure).

10:30pm
All three kiddos were in the car, phone calls made, and everyone was heading towards the birth center. By the time we hit Roanoke, I was positive this was not false labor.  I knew that I had to relax and let my body do what it needed to do, but I was afraid if I relaxed too much I would deliver this baby on the side of 377.  Monkey's labor lasted a little over 3 hours, and they only get shorter the more babies you have!  If you have ever tried to relax, without relaxing...it's not easy.

10:50pm
We arrived at the birth center, with Donnellyn greeting me at the door.  I looked at her and said, "Well, this is not false labor."  She laughed and said, "I didn't think it was."  She helped me inside, while J grabbed the other kiddos and our bag.  I informed Donnellyn that my photographer and my babysitter were on their way, and that she should go unlock the door.  Within minutes, everyone was there.  I am so grateful they all took me seriously!


11:00pm-ish
A hair tie.  Of all the things I remembered to bring, I forgot a hair tie.

I was burning up and my contractions were coming fast.  D checked me, "Honey, you don't mess around.  You're at a 6."  Praise the Lord.  I asked if I would be getting in the tub soon.  D informed me that that was EXACTLY where I was heading. Hooray!



11:10pm
Walking up steps when you are at a 6-7, and having a constant wave of contractions is not easy.  Nor is getting into a tub that is just too high that I have to stand on my tip toes to get in.  But I did it.  I was so grateful to be sitting in warm water where I could try and relax.  Now, I go to Donnellyn for a number of reasons, but one, is that she is incredibly calm.  This is the one, and only time, I have ever seen her get nervous.  My labor was going so fast, that she was the only one there.  Usually, she has an assistant and at least one student to help get everything ready.  They were on there way, and I was hoping they would all make it!

11:30pm-ish
J is pushing on my low back because it takes off some of the pressure.  He moved once, I think to scratch his nose....he didn't make that mistake again ;)  I remember when I was in labor with Monkey that I didn't breathe deep enough and I had to be put on oxygen.  I focused on deep breaths and trying to let my body do the work.  I remember looking at Donnellyn and telling her I felt like I was going to throw up.  She told me it was because my labor was going so quickly and that I had a bucket if I needed to get sick.  Don't worry, I didn't!

Sometime after 11:45pm
It was time to push!  I am grateful for short labors...three strong pushes and the baby's head was out.  The cord was around his neck, so Donnellyn had to remove it before I could push him all the way out.  One final push, and I looked down just in time to see my baby flip over in the water.  J grabbed him and placed him on my chest.  Official time of birth - 11:57pm.

Donnellyn began his newborn exam and kept saying, "Baby girl looks great!"  My face went blank as I turned to her and asked, "I have a baby girl??" Turns out, Donnellyn was just guessing based on how steady the heart rate was during birth (boy heart rates tend to fall during labor).   I looked at J and he said that delivered so fast that he didn't know either.  I didn't check...I didn't care.

I moved from the tub to the bed, and I just wanted to sleep.  My labor may have been short, but it was intense.  My midwife and the assistants moved around me quietly, as Nuggy slept on my chest.








Around 1am I decided to check to see whether I had a girl or a boy.  As you all know, we had another boy...healthy, cuddly, and wonderful!

We went home around 3:30am...still in awe that we were a family of 6!  6!  That is crazy...but he is a wonderful addition and such a joy!

Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift

Alright, I tried to be all creative and come up with something that dealt with the Fast and Furious movies, since I used them in G-baby's birth...turns out, the names of the F&F movies are boring.  But I'm part Japanese, so I'm gonna use this one ;)

Here is baby Aidan's birth story...not as dramatic as G's for sure, but faster, if at all possible!

Sunday, October 6th:

Earlier in the week, I had created a list of "honey-do's" for J.  The list ranged in the small (sweep) to the large (organize the garage) - and there were no less than 35 things on the list.  Slowly, but surely, we were making our way through the list.  The weekend of the 5th and 6th, we decided we would not make any plans, other than get through as much of the list as possible.  Fun weekend, huh??

I was in the back bedroom putting clothes away, and J was in the garage. He desperately wanted to be able to put my car in there -- easier to wrangle children when loading them up for school in the morning if they are in the garage as opposed to the driveway!  But I was not ready for HOW he was going to do it.

I walk out into the living room, and J has moved half of our garage to our living room floor.  My heart rate started to speed up and I couldn't look at the room.  I busied myself by meticulously cleaning the kitchen cabinets...while J kept bringing stuff in.

After about 15 minutes, J comes in triumphantly and announces that my car is in the garage!  I roll my eyes and give him a thumbs up and walk away.  He follows and shows me the "baby's room" - aka the closet.  He has placed everything in a pile on a shelf; I tell him it looks messy.  He asks, "Okay, how do you want me to reorganize it?"  No exaggeration, that question put me over the edge.  I had a full on panic attack.  Hysterical crying, couldn't breathe....I had to put my head between my knees.

Do you have any idea how hard that is being 8.5 months pregnant???

After I calmed down, I decided I would reorganize my 6 purses ;)  J joined me and let me know he had reorganized the closet and the living room was now empty.  While that calmed me down, I knew that I was too overwhelmed still to go to small group that evening.  I decided to stay home and clean/rest while J took the kids.

Everyone came back home around 7pm.  Kids ate dinner and we put them down for bed.  Before we left Reagan's room, I asked her, "Sweetie, if I go into labor tonight, do you want me to wake you?"  After some thought, she said yes.

We came out into the living room, ate dinner, and I did some data entry for work.  Around 9:45pm, I started to feel some contractions.  I had been having Braxton Hicks for WEEKS, and I really thought that I had just overdone it with the cleaning and the freak out.  We had prayed for a clear sign though, and we didn't think like we had one.

I texted my midwife, Donnellyn, at 9:50pm to let her know what was going on.  She told me to drink 2 glasses of water and get into the tub (a warm bath will stop Braxton Hicks, but do nothing to real labor).  By 10pm, I was miserable...not because of the contractions (which weren't any better), but because I really hate baths!  Luckily, Donnellyn texted me right about then and told me to come to the birth center anyway...just to be sure.

We packed up our toiletries and moved everything to the car.  J went and woke up the kids and got them in the car.  I called Christy, our birth photographer, and let her know what was going on.  I told her I didn't know if it was labor but she should probably come just in case.  She agreed.  Then, I called Judy, a family friend, and told her what was going on, and asked her to meet us at the birth center to watch the kids since my sister was out of town.  She agreed as well and said she would be there shortly.  By the time the phone calls were done, I was drifting more and more to the realization that this was probably it!

To be continued...... ;)

Things I learned today....

Well, it's been awhile blog.  Maybe I'll get better at this one day, but I wouldn't hold your breath ;)

Today was day three of my baby girl's 2nd grade year.  While I miss her like crazy while she is gone, it is definitely easier to get things done around the house with only two kiddos.  Might as well enjoy it, since it's going to last another seven weeks....

So, here is what I learned today:

1. Mornings, are not my friend.  Especially the first week of school.  We kept Rea in her old school, and so I have a seven mile drive each morning.  I left this morning 30 minutes before the tardy bell rings.  It took me 10 to get out of my neighborhood, and another five to get past the train.  Although, a better start than yesterday, when I had six miles until my gas tank was empty...when I left the house.  Oops.

2. While 2.5 hour naps are great for growing baby brains, they are not great for getting anything done around the house.

3. Nolan loves green food.  I have him convinced that is how he grows big muscles.

4.  Rea wants to be in the Olympics as a swimmer.  But if she can't, she wants to tape paper to the bottom of her feet and practice her ice skating in the living room.

5. Cleaned the bathrooms as my one deep clean thing today.  My conclusion?  Boys are gross.

I have a feeling this will be a season of learning for me.  As I learn to navigate how to be a wife, part-time employee, and mother of FOUR (which is crazy), I know God will be working on me big time!

Here's hoping I am better at sharing, so other people can help direct me in this new journey!

James 3

During worship this evening, I prayed that even though it was a marriage series (and I am currently doing marriage long distance) that the Lord would speak to me clearly about this season that I am in.

Man...sometimes, you have to be careful what you pray for!

Pastor Jeff and Brandy spoke tonight on marriage...the key piece they believe is needed for a successful marriage (UNITY) and what can cause disunity and a division of house.

Rewind to the last week, and a little lot of truth time. For the last 7-10 days, my tweedles have been causing me to want to rip out my hair, hide in a corner, and eat chocolate all night.  There has been fighting (literal fighting...pillows, toys, feet...anything), yelling, tattling, disobedience, sass...the list could go on, but some of you might totally tune me out.  Others of you may be nodding your head, because I could very well be describing your house.

I know, I know.  You're thinking, Stefanie, I thought THIS was your reality:

Awwwww......

But what you are describing to me, sounds a lot like this:

Yep...clearly not my kids...but they could be...

And, going with the honesty, because we all know it's super easy to be honest when you're behind a computer, I have been super selfish these last couple of weeks.  I am tired...so I nap; but complain that the house is a mess.  I am hungry, but I refuse to grocery shop...because I'm lazy.  I miss my husband...so I eat chocolate and ice cream for dinner to drown my sadness.  I am frustrated by the behavior of my children...so I yell and lecture.

I, I, I, I......Selfish.  And the Holy Spirit convicted me of that big time tonight.

Brandy, while answering one of the questions posed to her, mentioned the verse James 3:16.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, 

there you find disorder and every evil practice.  (NIV)

There it is.  Because I am being selfish, and filling my days with garbage, my home is in disorder.  My children don't want to behave, because I don't want to behave.  Why should they listen to me, when I won't listen to what my Father is trying to tell me?  

Sometimes, when you ask for truth, and you have been ignoring it for so long, it hits you like a freight train.

And sometimes, that is just what you need to realize you need a change.

Terrible Blogger

Who could I be speaking of? Oh yea...me.   Ya'll, I am awful at this.  Life catches me, and I have no time to sit and pour out my heart to you, all five of you.  But I'm going to get better.  Watch ;)

As many of you know, Jordan has been in Oklahoma for 5 weeks now, training for the FAA.  And just like this blog, I had high hopes of tracking the days as he was away and creating a book of sorts for him to read when he returned.  How far did I get?  Day 1.  But here are some excerpts from that day:

January 7th:

Today started like any other winter day, with three kids, during flu season.  Jordan and I were woken up at 3:30 am to the sound of screaming.   J rushed in to check on Nolan, and tried to calm him down so he could understand what was wrong.  It took about that long for me to come out of my deep sleep, realize (without being in the room) what was wrong, run to the bathroom, dump out the trash…and hear the sound of vomit hit the bedroom floor.  I run in, all three kids are staring at me; two of them are crying.  Thus starts the longest day of my new season.

When our alarm does go off (8:15am), we both gingerly get out of bed and get ready for the day.  I let Jordan know I will need to run to the store, because of clearly do not have supplies to take care of three sick children.

After running my errands, I return home to a husband who is ready to hit the road, two children who are writhing in pain, and one who is asleep.  Watching J say goodbye to the kids was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Both refused to let go of his neck; both asked him not to leave; both left tears on his shirt.  J gets into the car, and I watch him pull away.  Tears are streaming down my face as I wave and blow kisses; turns out he was doing the same.

Then the doubt settled in.  

How am I going to be a single mom?  People do it all the time, but can I be one of them?  How are we going to pay all of our bills?  Emotionally, am I strong enough to be without Jordan for 4 months?  What if I don’t spend enough time with my kids?  Can I be a good mom while still working?  Will I be able to keep working? 

The list went on and on right up until I watched our little Honda Accord disappear around the corner.  Then I didn’t have a choice.  I had to confront all of those questions and how I walked back into the house was going to set the tone for my household for the rest of the day; that day would turn into a week; a week into a month. 

I picked my head up, wiped my tears away, asked for strength for the kids and myself and opened the door.

That was all 5 weeks ago.  We are all still alive, bonus!  The house is a disaster, there is a mouse somewhere in the kitchen, and I desperately need to do laundry.  But my children are happy and loved. They still miss their daddy, and tell me all the time.  But we are surviving, growing and learning in this season...and I pray that whatever season you are in, you do the same.